I’ve had a hard time writing this week. I’m not sure how to put into words where I am
or how I’m feeling. Plain and simple, I
have been feeling exhausted and kind of burnt out.
I have struggled trying to figure out if what I am feeling
is ‘normal’ at this stage in the game. I
have had the feelings of one step forward and two back. Last week ends forms seminar was another of
those two steps back. I had for the most
part learnt the Lau Gar form from watching video. Although a great tool, it’s not perfect. Most details in the form I missed on
tape. So for over a year I had been
practicing and building muscle memory that wasn’t right on. Trying to change those habits isn’t as easy
as I would have hoped. I learned an incredible amount in the 4 hours last
Saturday and a big thanks to my very patient instructor. When it came to performing my form
in front of everyone at the end of the day, there I choked. Not only did I have to perform in front of
people but I found myself thinking ahead instead of focusing on what I was
actually doing at that moment. I was
trying to remember and process everything I had just learnt and my brain hurt. I heard the little voice in my head saying “when
you get to … make sure you don’t forget…” and “remember not to …”
Then there is performing in front of others. I have for 39 years let this fear stand in my
way in many areas of my life. I have
tried to figure out where it originated from, but can’t for the life of me come
up with anything. I grew up in a loving
and supportive family, I had good friends, I wasn’t put down or belittled, so
where does this lack of confidence come from?
Somewhere over the years I have
allowed this to continue and let it hold me back from doing a number of things
in life. The past two years in kung fu
has pushed me little by little out of my comfort zone. This year alone I think I have made steps
forward (little they may be). After 39 years I can’t realistically expect
change overnight, so this is something I am going to have to make a conscious
effort at continually. Guess what’s on my mind for my 2013 challenges!
I have travelled
along this journey for six years now. I
had no idea at the start the incredible ride this was going to be. As students of Silent River, we are all
working towards mastery, toward something out of the ordinary. It’s not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed
to challenge us so we can grow and become different and better people than when
we first started.
Alana Regier
http://alanaregier.blogspot.ca
No comments:
Post a Comment