A Big Decision

I have found myself in a really weird and somewhat confused place the last three weeks.   Here we are with only nine days left till I must make the decision whether or not to grade this year.  As I have seen potential candidates make the very hard decision that this is not their year to grade, I have started questioning myself.  If they don’t believe they’re ready, how in the world do I think that I can be? 

I have been thinking of little else the last week, trying to figure out, how does a person know when they are ready for something like this?  As of tonight I still haven’t got the answer to this.  The last couple of days I have been reflecting on the last 8 months.  I have looked at my numbers, I have gone over my list of requirements, I have reviewed what I chose for personal challenges this year and  I have to say that I see this year as a success in that respect .  If anyone would have told me that at almost 40 years old I would be doing what I have the last year, I would have laughed at them and thought they were off their rocker.  Having to come up with a list of personal challenges and then be held accountable for completing them has been an amazing motivation for me to do things I always wanted to but didn’t have the courage to.  Logging pushups, situps, km’s, diet, etc.  has proven to myself that first it is possible and second has been a push to see if I could do better.

I have rediscovered the fact that this is an independent journey.  It is a decision that one must make for themselves and not make it dependant on what other people decide.  We may train together and encourage and help each other, but in the end it is only ourselves that can truly decide where we are mentally and make the choice of where we want to be.  I have gone over and over convincing myself that next year would be better.  It would give me more time to prepare, maybe life will slow down (now that one is a laugh), and maybe my knees and shoulder will be in better shape. . . . . . .blah blah blah.  What I have realized is that first off my life will not slow down.  The older I get and the more I use my knees and shoulders are they really going to feel better?  As for more time, well I believe the more time we have, the more we try to fill it with.   

I am finding this such a hard decision for the fact that because it is important to me, I don’t want to make the wrong one.   Well the clock says 12:11am, now only 8 days left!

Alana Regier