It can be hard
to reveal to others exactly what is going on in our lives, more often than not,
harder with people you know versus a stranger on the street. I have tried and retried to write this blog
for quite some time without success. I
am pretty confident it will still not come out as eloquently as I hoped but its
time. I have been struggling with my
blogging along with pretty much all of my requirements. I have found the balls
I have been juggling laying unmoving by my feet. Where some may struggle with finding something
to write, I struggle with hitting the publish button. What I have written I believe has merit;
however, I believe that my blogging should be honest and transparent of my
journey, especially when things aren’t going so well.
In a nut shell,
I have been working on fixing all my broken pieces; these pieces being made up
of physical body parts but on a larger scale, the mental part. The truth is I
have become bogged down and worn out. I am in a place that is hard to feel
motivation or the ability to make any goals past next week. In my effort to try to figure out how to win
the battle, I believe I have two things in particular that are making this
fight so hard; the first being the fact that there are some things in life that
are beyond my control. Being a person
who tends to have control freak moments and one who likes to plan and schedule,
I have found this place hard to manage and destructive to how and what gets
done. I can’t fix what I want to, heal what is hurting or control some
circumstances life throws at me. I am very aware that I have control over how I
react but the truth is the feeling of being overwhelmed can take over what
logic says. Add to that my second
battle, my unwillingness to accept mediocrity and the desire and need to go
further than what I may be able to. My inability to be at peace with “good
enough” or the ordinary has me dealing with added discouragement, resentment
and lack of direction. It’s this
determination to push myself towards particular goals that has got me in a bit
of a pickle more than once and recently has set me back in my training
significantly. I have a vision of where I want to be and what I want to do and
the reality that I may have to change my expectations seems deflating. Where I
am right now, I have found more comfort in working and training on my own,
resulting in becoming disconnected from the team and a big part of my
training. I have not given up or in any
way stopped. I continue to blog for
myself and to journal my km’s, push ups, sit ups along with other training in a
bit of a different direction. I know
this is falling short on what I have committed to but I feel like I’m doing the
best I can at this moment. I don’t want to make excuses but rather to own up to
my short comings and to be honest with the team as to where I am. It truly is
harder to come back the longer you are away but it’s the first step needed to
reconnect me.
Alana Regier
http://alanaregier.blogspot.ca
